Briefly reflecting on 2018 and the word "rollercoaster" comes to mind :). While there were some dips, the highs were really high and we made a couple of life dreams come true. Tom and I had been in the process of purchasing land for years with each failed attempt costing us time, money and frustration. For most of our searching, we looked all around the outside of Fauquier because the cost was much lower. One day, while I was driving & in prayer...I felt the Lord was very adamant about keeping us close to our church, which confused me because owning land in Fauquier (much less Warrenton) seemed impossible for us. We loosely held on to that message but I started to doubt that having land at all would even happen! Another night, a few months ago, Tom woke up in the middle of the night praying. He felt that God was also pulling us to stay in Warrenton, and when he spoke back "we can't even afford Warrenton" he 'heard' back "you haven't even looked." At 3am, Tom took his phone and pulled up zillow; he put in our must haves, our price range, our zip code and one hope/wish/dream. One house was listed on the search, this one with 10 acres...something that was only a dream, we didn't think we'd actually be able to own that much land! It was a bumpy road from that day until closing but looking back, God's hand was OBVIOUSLY in every step of the process. I wish that He would shake me sometimes and put up a flashing billboard that says "REMEMBER, I GOT THIS" because while my faith is strong, my doubt can also be very strong.
For 2018, my one little word was "pause" and boy was it appropriate for all we went through. From January 2018 until now is extremely different than what I had imagined our year to look like and that meant a million little "pauses."
My word for 2019 seems selfish. It is completely out of character but it is something I have neglected for way too long. In fact, for 2018 and all that we went through some would call me "overwhelmed"...and they're not wrong. Moving in the middle of your first year of teaching (after teaching for 12 years and now 3 kids) is INCREDIBLY difficult. And yes, it's just like my first year of teaching all over again with a new county, a new school, a new age group and a new content...
only this time, it is more difficult with more life responsibilities. I had forgotten how high the demands are of a new teacher, I didn't take into consideration the time away from my boys BUT if that all wasn't enough...sure let's throw in moving and having the boys move schools after the school year started! While it certainly isn't how I thought it would work out, I don't regret a thing and I know that His timing is better than anything I could plan out.
So this morning, while toying with different words for the year and asking God what I need to focus on for the new year...I clearly felt Him say "you...you need to focus on you." For 2019, my word is "ME". My goal is to put me & my family first in all decisions made this year. For too long, I have put too much weight into what other people think, feel, want, and expect from me. I become consumed by the need to please others and I have paused my sanity & joy and failed to make me a priority.
- Does it bring ME closer to God?
- Is this God's will for ME?
- Does it strengthen MY relationship with Tom?
- Does it sustain ME & MY family?
- Do I love the ME that God created?
- Am I giving MY best ME to my family & friends?
- How can I restore ME?
- Is this healthy for ME?
While I was talking with a friend this afternoon, she said "I started to do things MY way instead of the way I thought everyone needed ME to be..." and that my friends, sums up how I intend to look at 2019.
This isn't to say that I will be putting myself before all others or that I won't continue to share time, love, resources, efforts with and to those around me. However, I am making a promise to myself that I won't allow those things to take away from my main lifelines (God, Tom, Zach, Deklan and Jude). I can't do it all and I'm not called to do it all.
"But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer." - Luke 5:16 NLT
What is your word for 2019? #onelittleword #me
