yours + mine = ours

This has been on my heart for awhile now and I have sat down to write this blog probably 5 times with uncertainty on how to approach this.  However, you know I like to keep it real and over the past few years, I've seen blended families struggling just as we did & I want to share what I believe helped get us over those weird, uncharted...bumps.

I can sit here and be completely honest with you, blending a family has been absolutely the hardest thing I think I've gone through.  There is this whole murkiness that you don't really consider when getting into a relationship with someone so there were moments that I thought we just wouldn't get past.  The power struggles, the give & take and the actual "getting ya hands dirty" type of work seemed unfair, unbelievable and unrealistic.  But through every single step we navigated, we stayed intentional and PRAYED.

When bringing two individuals with kids from another relationship, there are already well established roles in the two families, firm parenting principles and high expectations.  And your way is best, right? You have to let all of that go.  The struggle comes from trying to impose what you have already solidified previously.

However, what you now have is an entirely different "substance" and it should be treated as such.

I also want to point out the toxicity of the "yours, mine & ours" conversations that I think most blended families engage in at some point.  In the moment, explaining that he came in with a kid, I came in with a kid and then we had one together seems like the most logical way to express your story but it's actually divisive.  When you make the decision to blend, you're making the commitment to take on all family members fully as your own - the good, the bad, the ugly and the unexpected (because I promise, it won't be what you expect).  When we create a clear separation, we are inhibiting the development of strong relationships.  People (especially children) know when you're not committed to bonding with them.

Embrace the "ours," communicate and compromise to write your brand new blended story!  Sounds simple, right? It's not at all and I'm here to tell you that it's ok for it to be hard.  Being hard doesn't mean it's wrong.  Lean heavily on God and keep him at the center...He has already worked this all out even when we can't begin to imagine what the end result will look like.

After almost 10 years, we have worked out the major wrinkles.  Of course there are still hiccups but we have learned how to operate as "ours" and "His."